sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
