I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
