Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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