He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
