can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
