I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
