I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
