I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
