Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
