Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
