these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
