Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up under a house in Key West
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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