I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
