Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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