I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
