he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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