Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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