Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You're earring is so big in my mouth
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
