there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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