To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
