Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
