The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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