So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
