omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
