So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
