My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
