Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
