I accidentally had phone sex last night
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
