This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
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I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
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Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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