im about as happy as oj after his trial
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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