I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
