Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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