the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
