I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
