If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
