he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
