he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
