she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
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I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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