Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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