the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
