i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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