Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
