Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
