We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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