I wish life had little blips of pornography
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
