ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
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You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
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Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize