my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
