the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
