she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Randomize
