There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
