If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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