Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
