I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
