i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
