meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
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Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
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Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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