ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize