Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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