im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
