you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
