Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
