So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
