i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
