Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My penis needs a shock collar
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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